Living in Chair 2

(This post is inspired by a sermon from my church, which was based off the book Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs by Bruce Wilkerson).

I’m a “Chair 2” Christian, though I don’t say that with any pride, but rather sober admission. As a “Chair 2” Christian, my life is full of compromise, inner turmoil, and constant failings.

Like the church in Revelations 3:15-16, I am “lukewarm” in my faith and don’t have the courage or conviction to stand up when I should; I remain seated in my chair. I depend more on my job than Jesus and go with the status quo in fear of not being able to help provide for my family. I feel that the compromises I have made leave me in turmoil almost constantly, as the inner battle plays out daily in my mind.

I am too busy, distracted, or just plain tired, so my prayer life is truly non-existent. There are the quick “help!” prayers and occasionally I do pray for others, but there is no true connection to God and though I’m sure he hears me, I only get silence in return.

My Chair 2 life is reflected back to me in my kid’s faith. They have both accepted Christ, but how will they fare during the college years and into adulthood? I don’t see them read their Bibles or pray, but then they don’t see that from me, so what should I expect? As with so many other parts of their upbringing, I just continue to feel like a failure and can only hope for the best as we stumble through the teenage years.

I wear so many layers of masks daily that the weight of them leaves me exhausted, but I put them on each day to protect myself and without them I couldn’t survive. Sometimes, like in this post, I’ll lift up a corner to give others a peek, but everything goes back into place just as quickly. There are times I’m not sure who the real me might be, so I just plod along a worn out path my “wheels” to stuck in the ruts they’ve made to do anything else.

I live in Chair 2 and the fears that keep me there will always remain.

Chair 2

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Perfect Love for a Broken World

Easter is always a time to reflect upon love. For it was a perfect love that compelled one who lived a perfect life to be sacrificed for all of us to inherit eternal life.

This is a broken and cursed world and we are all sinners. Even so, Christ Jesus loved us so much that he gave his life for us. He didn’t wait for us to come to Him or to get our act together. He takes us all as we are and, through His love, we are changed and renewed.

As I reflect upon everything that goes on in this broken world, I am thankful for the perfect love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

Cross on Stage

Where’s the door?

So many Christians refer to “doors” that God opens or closes in their lives as a way to lead them to opportunities suited for their talents or lead them away from the things that are not His best for them.

Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I’m in a room where there are no doors or windows. I can’t see or move beyond the four walls around me.

Am I stuck because I can’t see the door placed before me or is it because there’s something I still need to address before I move on? Am I stuck because I’m too stubborn to follow, too busy to stop and listen, or just plain blind to what God is trying to show me?

Commit your future to the Lord ! Trust in him, and he will act on your behalf. -Psalms 37:5

I was reading today and came across this verse. Maybe I just need to slow down, be patient (easier said than done), and allow God to lead the way. If God could lead Abraham, Moses, and numerous others to the Promised Land, why do I doubt he can do the same for me?

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Lord, help me to stop doubting he plans you have for me and lead my way into the future that you planned for me long ago. Amen.

Another year comes to a close

As another year comes to a close, I wanted to take some time to reflect on the past year. I feel like I let the whole year slip away without really accomplishing much in my life; like I’m just watching it pass by, rather than really living it. The things that should be most important always seem to take the back seat.

I’ve enjoyed watching both my children grow, seeing my daughter get her first pointe shoes, and watching my son’s hair grow into an uncontrollable curly mass (he says he’ll get it cut in February). I’ve assisted my husband through his usual duties of Bible study leadership and Mexico mission trips, as well as giving moral support as he works his way through college courses. I even tried oil painting!

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I’m hoping that in the new year I’ll be able to spend some time on myself to grow spiritually and physically healthier. I really want this to be the year that I get into the good habits of reading my Bible and exercising daily. I’d like to possibly start a journal. I definitely want to make this blog more of a priority and try to post more regularly.

Happy New Year to all my fellow WordPressers. May God bless you and your families this coming year.

Worn

I’m tired, I’m worn…”

With my husband taking college online and all the other family commitments, I’m finding myself tired and worn down most of the time. Most of the household chores and family responsibilities have come crashing down on me these days. Plus, we’ve taken in a preteen girl from my daughter’s school, which has only increased the stress and drama in the house.

My heart is heavy…”

When we took this girl in, we were trying to do what we thought God would want – to take care of those in need. But I have found that I am not capable of giving the help and support she needs. My heart is heavy with failure: failure to her, failure to still be able to give my own family, especially my daughter, the love and attention they need, and failure to my faith that this task of love feels more like a burden. 😦

Life just won’t let up…”

I’m so overwhelmed with everything that I can barely see past the moment. Things keep coming my way and piling on higher and higher. I’m trying to keep up, but it’s getting harder to keep going.

And I know that you can give me rest…”

But I’m so crushed, I can’t even cry out. My heart aches, but my voice can’t find the words to speak. I know that God will see me through this short season, even though it currently feels like it may never end. He always hears prayers, even weak or silent ones, and will answer in His perfect time.

An Inspiring Faith

My daughter’s faith continues to surprise and inspire me. Even though life is tough in our family right now, she still has her heart pointed in the right direction. This is a picture she drew recently and put up in her room.

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I can’t wait to see how her faith will blossom as she gets older and wiser. I know that she’ll do great things in the Kingdom and continue to inspire me through the years.

A seed becomes a sapling

My daughter, who is inherently a planner, dreamer, and organizer, was home sick from school today. After she had rested for a while and was feeling a bit better, she was reading her Bible and underlining stuff in it. She later came and told me that because she’s always trying to decide what to do about money, she decided to see what her Bible had to say about money (she’s a preteen and always trying to decide what to spend her allowance on). I loved to hear that she made the choice to go to her Bible for instruction. It shows that the small seed that’s been planted by my husband and I is become a sapling that will one day grow into a strong tree of faith.

It is my prayer that as the teen and college years come and go, she continues to seek first God’s instruction and wisdom. I know that if she can keep on that path, she can avoid many of the pitfalls and heartaches that the world’s advice will give her.