My Heart

Shredded heart, ripped apart
By the war going on inside.
Gotta let go, release control,
and in You always abide.

Confident heart, set apart
For the purposes of God.
I’ve let it all go, released the control,
and in You will always abide.

********************************************

This is one of those poems that was written in pieces. The first stanza was probably written well over a year ago. There are many things that I struggle with, mentally, and the first stanza describes the warring feelings and struggles.

Though I will always have some kind of mental struggles – don’t we all? – running across a book by Renee Swope, “A Confident Heart: How to Stop Doubting Yourself and Live in the Security of God’s Promises,” caused me to add in the second stanza more recently.

I love how God can take the hopeless start to one of my poems and help me to write a hopeful end to it. This isn’t the first time, and won’t be the last, that I’ve added to a basic poem from some inspiration that God has planted within me. Sometimes I just start with one or two lines that I write into one of my “scratch” notebooks, and later — sometimes years later — those beginnings become something more.

If you’re someone who is looking to find your confidence in God, or maybe if you’re just curious about what that would look like in your life, I urge you to sign up for Renee’s online study, coming this January. Head over to her site today and sign up.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Waiting

For my kids, it always seems like they’re waiting for something. Waiting for their birthday party; waiting for Christmas. Kids have such short attention spans, that it’s a miracle they can wait for anything. I thought a few pictures of them waiting fit this theme just fine. 🙂

Waiting for ballet class to start
Waiting for a turn at mini golf
Excitedly waiting for a turn to hit the piñata

Today You’ll Find Me At…

HOME! What’s wrong with retailers these days? Are you kidding me!? Opening at 9 pm on Thanksgiving or midnight on Friday. Why can’t they stay closed on Thanksgiving, open at normal hours on Friday, and let their employees enjoy Thanksgiving with their families?

I’m sure they won’t miss my shopping dollars today, seeing as how there are other shoppers that were willing to miss Thanksgiving with their families and camp out at the stores.

It’s a shame that so many people are willing to skip right over Thanksgiving and head straight into the commercialization of Christmas.

Today, I’m at home, spending precious time with my kids, decorating our tree, and baking some cookies.

What about you? Are you crazy for all the early morning deals or do you prefer to relax at home and enjoy family?

I’m Thankful For…

Family and friends and a day off to spend with them. Over the years, Thanksgiving has become my favorite holiday of the year. It’s the only holiday that is based solely on giving thanks to God for all his provisions and grace. I know that, for me, I get too busy with regular life to really stop and thank God for all that I have. This is a day for slowing down and really reflecting on all that I have been blessed with.

I hope that the lure of Black Friday does not overshadow your Thanksgiving and that you take time to reflect and thank God for all things, big and small, in your life. I pray that you don’t skip over this day and you count all your blessings.

God bless!

Shameless Plugs

I wanted to take a moment to put out a couple of shameless plugs for two friends of mine, who are venturing out as entrepreneurs.

Dr. Sachdeva was my personal doctor for many years, when she worked for Kaiser, but was my friend way before that. She is now getting a private practice up and running. If you live in her area, look her up. Information about her practice can be found here. She can even do home visits for those who aren’t able to go to her office.

My next friend, Susan, is getting started with an online gift basket & flower business. Check out her website. With Christmas fast approaching, this might be a great way to send something nice to a loved one far away. I sent a spa basket to my mom for her birthday and she loved it!

These two ladies are dear friends of mine and I wish them the best of success in their new ventures. Thanks for reading!

To Be [a Leader] or Not To Be (or Stop Running in the Wrong Direction)

As I was reflecting on a recent visit with my Team Leader, I thought I would write a bit about what I shared with her, so that I could share my experience with others and to remind myself, for those times when I feel inadequate.

Let me start by saying that I have never, ever, seen myself as a leader; no matter what part of my life we’re referring to (home, work, church, etc.). How am I supposed to lead others with all my shortcomings? There are a myriad of reasons I feel this way, but especially when it comes to being a leader in the church; the first of which is my abysmal, struggling prayer life. Also, I am a shy introvert who shares little of her heart with anyone, even those closest to me. I’m much more content to be a quiet follower. However, this time, God was not content to let me stay that way.

It all started when I clicked a link from one of my daily devotional emails. A new book by Renee Swope was due out in August titled “A Confident Heart: How to Stop Doubting Yourself & Live in the Security of God’s Promises.” I downloaded the sample and, as I read it, became excited for the release of the book. I planned to buy it to read for myself.

Over the next few weeks, I began to feel the pull of leading a women’s group on this book. I could see, in my heart, a room of women all sharing and growing together. I tried to dismiss it because I didn’t feel qualified to teach on something such as confidence, especially since I have none of my own. I ignored the prompting, until I went to coffee with my friend, Angela.

For some reason I felt the need to share about the book and my group idea with her. She immediately began to encourage me to go ahead with it. I sent her a sample of the book and she continued to encourage me and even told other friends about the book and my group. Now, I had no choice to go ahead with the group because others I knew would make sure I did. I do believe God made sure we met for coffee that day, so that Angela could speak encouragement to me. We haven’t been able to get together since then, though I hope both our schedules will allow for some coffee time soon after the holidays.

When group leader signups began at church, I was the first to sign up for this trimester of Bible study groups. I wanted to make sure I didn’t talk myself out of it. I felt peace about it, at that point, and knew that God would send those ladies to me that could most use this study, though I was hoping it would be a small group of ladies. (I’m still an introvert, after all, and the thought of having a large group scared me.)

I have been leading this group now for about eight weeks, and after just the first few weeks, I knew that I was blessed by leading this study. I have a small group of ladies who feel comfortable sharing their lives and we are all encouraging one another. As I mentioned before, praying is a very weak area for me, but God included a couple of prayer warriors in the group, so I can have them pray when I’m not feeling confident enough.

I want to say that, no matter who you are or where you are in your walk with Christ, there is room to lead a Bible study. It does grow you in ways that couldn’t happen by any other means. With the next round of leader signups under way, it’s time for me to assess what my next step will be and if I  am supposed to continue leading a women’s group.

What about you? Is there something God is calling you to do today? Will you follow his prompting or will you try to run? I’d love to hear your comments.

A Light in the Darkness

Cat Jack-O-Lantern

Ah, the memories of Halloween. I enjoyed dressing up each year and going trick-or-treating. Living in a neighborhood with many kids and watchful parents, meant that we could all go as a big group and have a great time being out late at night, hanging out with all of our friends. My favorite costume from all the years was a pink Crayola crayon that mom made for me. I wish I had a picture of it to post here. Back then, I never thought much about the beginnings of Halloween or what it truly was celebrating.

After I became a Christian, I began to struggle with this holiday the most. I began to learn about its roots and I became uncomfortable celebrating or taking part in festivities. However, it’s hard to make any changes, especially when my husband doesn’t feel the same conviction and I have two young children who love the dressing up and candy as much as I did as a kid.

There have been a few times when I’ve had to dress up. Those few times, I’ve picked subversive characters. The idea being that if I had to dress up, then I was going to dress in a character that could portray light. One year, I dressed as Ruth. This year I dressed up as sheet music; a Christian song, of course. For the most part, though, I don’t bother with costumes.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I’m at the point where I want to find ways to shine the light on this darkest of day. At work, I can’t openly proclaim The Message because they are afraid of lawsuits related to religious discrimination. I may not totally agree with that, but I respect the owner’s wishes and keep things low key and individualized. The owner hasn’t stopped me and others at work from having Bible studies during our lunches, so I count my blessings there. It was a Bible study at this job that led me back to Christ. I feel that by dressing in “characters of light” I am speaking softly to those around me.

Another way my family has begun to shine some light on this day is to give out full size candy bars with tract cards attached to them. We got the idea last year when our children received the same treat from someone else in our neighborhood. We prayed over the candy this evening and we will have faith that seeds will be planted where God wants them to grow. I am especially hopefully that the teens who have stopped by receive the Word on this night.

Sometimes we have to live in the dark, but that doesn’t mean we can’t use a flashlight to shine some light in the darkness.

I pray everyone has a safe Halloween and God blesses each person, whether they stopped at my door or not.

—————

Update, 11/1 – My mom found and sent me a picture of the pink crayon costume. Posted with the others in the slideshow.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Opportunity

Sometimes I find photo opportunities in the strangest of places. Everyday places and items give me chances to be creative with the camera. I especially love my little point-n-shoot digital camera. I bought it five years ago and the one thing I really love about digital is that I can take all the pictures I want and just delete the pictures I don’t like. I haven’t needed to get film developed and put pictures into albums in years. I probably still have tons of pictures I haven’t put into albums after all these years.

Anyways, onto my picks for this week’s photo challenge.

The chaos that is my office desk.

This is probably one of the first pictures I took with a digital camera. I have lots of odds and ends on my desk. It’s a wonder I get anything done amongst all that chaos.

Kitchen Sink

 Yep, these dishes were sitting in the sink that way. I found it interesting and “snap” went the camera.

Easter Colors

Last time I colored Easter eggs with the kids, I loved the way the colors came out on this paper towel. This towel was just the place where I was resting the egg holder, but it looked like a pretty painting to me.

Rooftop

Rooftop in Israel

On the rooftop
I am alone in my sin
Heartaches hidden within
I am alone with my thoughts
My stomach tying up into knots
As emotions begin their onslaught

On the rooftop
I am alone with my prayers
Crying out in despair
As the tears roll down my face
I begin to plead for grace
God, please let my sins be erased

On the rooftop
The Son is here
No more need to shed tears
He has intervened
I have been washed clean
My heart is now serene

Marriage 101

So, I’ll start off with the obvious disclaimer that I’m no expert on marriage and not a trained counselor. These are just my thoughts and opinions.

The effort one is willing to put in towards a marriage is an indicator of how much one values the institution. As an article in the November 2011 issue of Redbook Magazine put it, “‘You’d get fired if you put zero effort into your job,’ says Julia Spira. In marriage, that’s called divorce–yikes.”

While I am thankful that my marriage is on solid ground, I have too many friends–including Christian friends–whose marriages are not; and it saddens me. Of course, my marriage isn’t perfect and there are times when I say mean, hurtful, or disrespectful things to my husband, but we are committed to each other and continually work at our marriage. We both have those days when we’re acting selfish, but mostly we are able to set aside that selfishness to work toward the goal of a happy, intact family.

The unfortunate thing is that most couples can’t set aside their selfishness for each other. They manage to be unselfish with other people, but not with each other. They will each want to take it all and give nothing to the other, as if they other half of the couple is there to serve them. An individual makes a decision or takes an action that affects the marriage and family, but doesn’t seem to care how it will affect everyone else. It’s not a marriage when you’re only looking out for number one.

I wish they could understand that the other person is not there to fix them, babysit them, or make them grow up; that’s the problem of an individual. However, when that individual is in a marriage (with or without kids) they need to work on the marriage as a first priority and then their personal issues/failings/whatever, as a close second.

I believe that when a marriage comes first and begins to heal, that frees the couple to start supporting each other as they begin to address personal issues that may have been affecting the marriage. When the couple can decide to stay committed to the marriage and work together for the good of the marriage and family, then the animosity, loneliness, and hurt can be addressed and they couple can move forward. On the other hand, if an individual is insistent on taking care of only themselves or fixing their problems first, it seems to me that the marriage suffers as the individual withdraws to “fix themselves.” Whether any personal problems existed before the marriage or not, a marriage that begins to heal will only give the couple more opportunity to support each other and further strengthen the marriage because of that support.

Sometimes a couple can correct their marriage on their own, if things haven’t gone too far down the wrong path. But there are times when couples must swallow their foolish pride, stubbornness, fear, or worries, and head straight for the nearest counselor. Some marriages need outside help if they’re ever going to improve. I wonder if there is any state that requires counseling before allowing divorces; I think that would be a great idea. How many marriages might be saved if only they put in the small effort of attending counseling? Healing may be painful, but as this letter illustrates, divorce is even more painful. (See entire post about Weathering Life’s Storms, from which this letter below was taken.)

**************************************************************************************************

Who can comprehend this mysterious bonding that enables a man and a woman to withstand the many storms of life and remain best friends for the rest of their lives together? This phenomenon is so remarkable that the Apostle Paul chose it to symbolize the unfathomable bond of love between Jesus Christ and his bride, the Church.

Too many of today’s marriages end on a less inspirational note. Over decades I’ve seen an escalation in these wounded, dying relationships, and I’ve witnessed anew the agony that divorce inflicts on its victims. Everyone loses when a marriage turns sour.

I came across a secular book that expressed the pain associated with divorce more dramatically than anything I’ve read. It is entitled DEATH OF A MARRIAGE, by Pat Conroy. I’ve obtained permission to quote a short passage from this book in hopes of helping someone who is contemplating a divorce. If you are such a person, and you’ve been asking the Lord for guidance, perhaps this is His answer. If you know someone who is considering that decision, you might send them a copy of this letter. Urge them to beware! There is even greater pain down that well-trodden road, as Mr. Conroy states so eloquently:

Each divorce is the death of a small civilization. Two people declare war on each other, and their screams and tears infect their entire world with the bacilli of their pain. The greatest comes from the wound where love once issued forth.

I find it hard to believe how many people now get divorced, how many submit to such extraordinary pain. For there are no clean divorces. Divorces should be conducted in surgical wards. In my own case, I think it would have been easier if Barbara had died. I would have been gallant at her funeral and shed real tears – far easier than staring across a table, telling each other it was over.

It was a killing thing to look at the mother of my children and know that we would not be together for the rest of our lives. It was terrifying to say goodbye, to reject a part of my own history.

When I went through my divorce I saw it as a country, and it was treeless, airless; there were no furloughs and no holidays. I entered without passport, without directions and absolutely alone. Insanity and hopelessness grew in that land like vast orchards of malignant fruit. I do not know the precise day that I arrived in that country. Nor am I certain that you can ever renounce your citizenship there.

Each divorce has its own metaphors that grow out of the dying marriage. One man was inordinately proud of his aquarium. He left his wife two weeks after the birth of their son. What visitors noticed next was that she was not taking care of the aquarium. The fish began dying. The two endings became linked in my mind.

For a long time I could not discover my own metaphor of loss – until the death of our dog, Beau, became the irrefutable message that Barbara and I were finished.

Beau was a feisty, crotchety dachshund Barbara had owned when we married. It took a year of pained toleration for us to form our alliance. But Beau had one of those illuminating inner lives that only lovers of dogs can understand. He had a genius for companionship. To be licked by Beau when you awoke in the morning was a fine thing.

On one of the first days of our separation, when I went to the house to get some clothes, my youngest daughter, Megan, ran out to tell me that Beau had been hit by a car and taken to the animal clinic. I raced there and found Ruth Tyree, Beau’s veterinarian. She carried Beau in to see me and laid him on the examining table.

I had not cried during the terrible breaking away from Barbara. I had told her I was angry at my inability to cry. Now I came apart completely. It was not weeping; it was screaming; it was despair.

The car had crushed Beau’s spine, the X-ray showing irreparable damage. Beau looked up at me while Dr. Tyree handed me a piece of paper, saying that she needed my signature to put Beau to sleep.

I could not write my name because I could not see the paper. I leaned against the examining table and cried as I had never cried in my life, crying not just for Beau but for Barbara, the children, myself, for the death of a marriage, for inconsolable loss. Dr. Tyree touched me gently, and I heard her crying about me. And Beau, in the last grand gesture of his life, dragged himself the length of the table on his two good legs and began licking the tears as they ran down my face.

I had lost my dog and found my metaphor. In the X-ray of my dog’s crushed spine, I was looking at a portrait of my broken marriage.

But there are no metaphors powerful enough to describe the moment when you tell the children about divorce. Divorces without children are minor-league divorces. To look into the eyes of your children and to tell them that you are mutilating their family and changing all their tomorrows is an act of desperate courage that I never want to repeat. It is also their parents’ last act of solidarity and the absolute sign that the marriage is over. It felt as though I had doused my entire family with gasoline and struck a match.

The three girls entered the room and would not look at me or Barbara. Their faces, all dark wings and grief and human hurt, told me that they already knew. My betrayal of these young, sweet girls filled the room.

They wrote me notes of farewell, since it was I who was moving out. When I read them, I did not see how I could ever survive such excruciating pain. The notes said, “I love you, Daddy. I will visit you.” For months I would dream of visiting my three daughters locked in a mental hospital. The fear of damaged children was my most crippling obsession.

For a year, I walked around feeling as if I had undergone a lobotomy. There were records I could not listen to because of their association with Barbara, poems I could not read from books I could not pick up. There is a restaurant I will never return to because it was the scene of an angry argument between us. It was a year when memory was an acid.

I began to develop the odd habits of the very lonely. I turned the stereo on as soon as I entered my apartment. I drank to the point of not caring. I cooked elaborate meals for myself, then could not eat them.

I had entered into the dark country of divorce, and for a year I was one of its ruined citizens. I suffered. I survived. I studied myself on the edge, and introduced myself to the stranger who lived within.

Barbara and I had one success in our divorce, and it is an extraordinarily rare one. As the residue of anger and hurt subsided with time, we remained friends. We saw each other for lunch occasionally, and I met her boyfriend, Tom.

Once, when I was leaving a party, I looked back and saw Barbara and Tom holding hands. They looked very happy together, and it was painful to recognize it. I wanted to go back and say something to Tom, but I mostly wanted to say it to Barbara. I wanted to say that I admired Tom’s taste in women.1

Reading these powerful words helps explain why Family Talk is so thoroughly committed to the concept of lifelong marriage. That’s the way it was intended by the Creator when He laid out the blueprint for the family. Of course, we must acknowledge that divorces do occur and many of my readers have undoubtedly gone through this tragic experience already. In those cases, we must do all we can to care for them, to pray with them and help them deal with the pain that Conroy graphically illustrated.

If we can prevent even one unnecessary dissolution from occurring, with its terrible implications for three or more generations, we will have fulfilled one of the critical purposes for which this ministry was ordained.

Thank you for making it possible through your contributions for us to reach out to families in crisis. We will continue to offer our meager fishes and loaves to those who seek our help as long as you stand with us. And speaking of support, your gifts would be especially welcomed as we continue to equip the Family Talk ministry to respond to the escalating needs of families as they weather life’s storms. Coming off a slow summer season, contributions trail current expenses. That’s probably not new news, but it is my duty merely to remind you of our financial situation.

Meanwhile, I urge those of you who are married to cling tightly to one another! The culture in which we live is hostile to marriage and the family. If you don’t “water” and maintain your relationship, it will slowly wither and die. That is a preventable tragedy if there ever was one.

Sincerely in Christ,

James C. Dobson, Ph.D.
Founder and President
Family Talk

**************************************************************************************************

I’ll close with the following advice from a devotional out of one of the Bibles I own:

“Marriage and the family are institutions founded by God. They are considered His highest priority for individuals next to personal salvation. They are worth defending in battle.” Beverly LaHaye (emphasis mine).

Did you get that? Next to our salvation, marriage is the priority; not an individual, but a couple, a family is where our priorities should lie. Next time you’re tempted to be selfish, remember that God want the marriage to come first, not your personal pursuits.

Do you need a model for marriage? Read Ephesians 5:22-33 and ask God to show you how to treat your spouse the way he intended. Then, comment below on one thing you’ll do to improve your marriage, whether or not yours is already solid.

God bless!